I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
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when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
no one ever comes back
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good