listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
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If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Every time my phone rings
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat