god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
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Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
PLEASE READ
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!