How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
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if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I enjoy a good short stor
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to