I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
You Might Also Like
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Jogging
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that