for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
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I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.