I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
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The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
where do you see yourself in five years?
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars