[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
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*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Just a phase…
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.