Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
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SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”