Free him
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*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
(2022)
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”