(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
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“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.