I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
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My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.