Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
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Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I have so many questions.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out