Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
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Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao