*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
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i’m having this made into a welcome mat
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout