ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
You Might Also Like
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
i prefer mine room temperature.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
The struggle is real.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
c’mon!
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.