her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
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Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
WHY would you be happy about this?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.