Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
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A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
britain’s three elite institutions
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.