I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
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There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times