Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
You Might Also Like
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.