[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
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This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Breaking news:
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed