It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
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Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing