My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
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Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you