A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
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Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle