Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
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Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.