Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
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If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”