Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
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My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….