I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
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ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
this chia pet tastes awful
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.