Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
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If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My wife gives the best headache.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.