We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
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My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts