Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
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Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
my mind
You just read my mind
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
*ernest hemingway voice*
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated