I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
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I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!