DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
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The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY