Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
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Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
#StillHurts
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.