Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
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If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist