You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
o shit
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
tell em, edith-anne
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.