Bruh PLEASE
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horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.