I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
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50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Would you wear it?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.