Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
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turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy