🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
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[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Canada has crack?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?