If Mr Krabs owned a bar
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*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
me, too, girl. me, too.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for