My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
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welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk