Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
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Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.