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How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs