First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
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[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q