found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
What the hell is going on?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out