I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
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There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes