When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
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Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
inventing words: clothing
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.