I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
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I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
excuse me
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.