I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
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Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.